Frantic Friday

Growing up Friday's were always hectic.  Needed to get the house cleaned and whatever cooking could be done ahead of time done for Sabbath.  While I no longer attend church frequently, I still wake up Friday morning feeling like everything has to be done by sundown.  It never is.  It never was when I was a child.  It was so stamped into my psyche that everything had to be perfect come Friday evening that more than 20 years after I stopped attending church regularly that I cannot break that feeling.  Today it made stop and think about what habits and behaviors I am instilling in my children.

What values to I want my children to take into adulthood with them?  Do I want them to always feel that no matter what they do that it will never be good enough, that it will never be right?  Or do I want them to be able to look at things and know that they gave it their best and move on, trying harder next time?  What exactly am I teaching my children by maintaining this obese figure?

I do not want to teach them to accept an unhealthy life style.  It is not genetic.  It is not something over which there is no control.  It is a choice.  Every day I make the choice of whether to exercise or not, to eat fresh fruit or make a cake, to eat veggies seasoned with herbs or coat them in cheese or butter.  I want to teach my children, have stamped on their brains, that they alone control the quality of their life.

I'm starting with not beating myself up over not having a spotless house.  I got the dishes done and the fridge cleaned out today. In a few minutes, my son and I will take the dog for a walk before getting my daughter and her best friend from the bus.  I have eaten healthy today, worked through a migraine and will have a healthy menu for next week before going shopping.

All I can do is show them by example, stamp on their minds with my actions what I want them to carry forward in life.

Still at 6

My son reminded me this morning that it was Thursday - my weigh in day.  No change in weight this week.  It's no fun having a six year old ask why there aren't any more glass stones in the Pounds Gone vase.  He is so sweet about it.  "You'll move some next week, Mommy."

Everyone says that I have to lose weight only for myself.  I disagree.  When I look at my kids I know that, yes, I need to lose for myself, but I need to lose it for them too.  I want their childhood memories of me to be of an active Mom who did things with them.  I don't want to be remembered for just watching.  That's not to say I'm not an involved Mom now, just not an active one.  I help in their classrooms, I take them to classes, take them to parks, etc.  But I sit on a bench at the park while they play.  I sit on the front porch while they ride their bikes and I read a book while they practice sports.  No, I will probably never play sports with them, but I can play catch with them, I can go for a bike ride and I can play with them at the park.  I need to do those things with them.

I must keep moving forward instead of letting the the number on the scale get me down.  So, once I finish loading the dishwasher I'm headed out for a walk before I have to be at the bus stop.  This afternoon I'll pick up the back yard so the kids can play out there without having to watch for dog stuff.

Thought for the day:

"Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more and all good things will be yours."  - Swedish Proverb

In the beginning . . .

I turned 40 recently.  I know it's just a number, but it's a number that made me take inventory of my life.  I've been married nearly 16 years, have 2 children under the age of 10, have a dog and a cat.  We own our home in a nice neighborhood, have 2 cars and I get to be a stay-at-home mom.  Looks pretty perfect on paper.  I really am grateful for what I have, but that doesn't make it perfect.  Not by a long shot.

On my 40th birthday I stepped on the scales.  282 pounds.  I'm only 5'3.  I hate going out in public when I think I might see anyone I might know.  I don't want anyone to see me.  I don't want my children's friends to see me.  I don't want them to be teased because they have "the fat mom."  I cannot take them to the local amusement park.  I don't fit in the rides.  I want to travel, but I don't think I can fit in a plane seat.  I live in fear of having a heart attack and dying.  I don't want to leave my family; I want to see my grandchildren some day.

I am tired of being depressed.  I have been overweight most of my life and depressed just as long.  Only one period of my life has been depression free and lived at an almost normal weight.  Since I am clearly no longer 22, single or living in Europe, recreating the same circumstances is impossible.

So, since can't go back, I'm choosing to move forward.  I want to live my life, not watch it pass by.  My first goal is to be more active and eat better.  My ultimate goal is to lose 150 pound in the next 2 years.  I have already lost 6 pounds.  I love to craft and am working on several projects, none of which allow me to eat while doing.

Have since changed the Lost to Gone

The cake decorating - I know that seems rather counter productive, but the one time I've lost weight in recent years was when I was decorating a lot of cakes.  Working with them all the time really takes away my desire to eat them.  And since I know the local police department would welcome any I want to bring in, I don't have to wonder if they're going to go to waste or listen to my kids bugging me for cake.